


White Silence

by masochisticalie



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Amnesia, Angst, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, PTSD, hidekane
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-04-22
Updated: 2016-08-14
Packaged: 2018-03-25 07:40:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 10
Words: 11,682
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3802279
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/masochisticalie/pseuds/masochisticalie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He felt his hand begin to shake. There, fluttering faintly under his fingertips, was Hide’s pulse.</p><p> 'How about we make a deal, Kaneki Ken?' ”</p><p>(Continuation of :re Manga from the end of Chapter 7)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. End of Existence

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please enjoy and comment! :)

“Yoskitoki-san, that’s definitely the one Hoji was investigating.”

“How should we deal with this?”

~~~~~~

The two men stood there for the longest time, staring silently at one another. Time itself slowed and came to a stop as the snow fluttered to the ground, covering the blood and broken bodies that were scattered like discarded toys. Had he been capable of thought at this point, the ghoul would have been angry; some spoiled child had played with them, and then left them behind so carelessly, uncaring of who stepped on them. But he could not think. The reason he existed was now just another broken toy at his feet. He tilted his head up to the harsh light and closed his eyes, feeling the stinging snow pepper his cheeks. The damp traces of tear trails froze the curves of his face as he waited. He was unconscious of anything but the cold, which he could no longer feel.

“Do you want him to live?”

The man’s face was just as expressionless as the other’s.

“But he’s dead.”

The boy said it softly, so softly that he could barely be heard over the muffled white silence of falling snow, but his voice contained no uncertainty.

“No, he’s not.”

There was a silent message behind the words, an urgency that was not present in his expression. Arima took a step forward, towards the boy, who did not move. His flicked down to the form at the boy’s feet. Nearly dead, he concluded. Soon to be dead if something wasn’t done. He identified the source of the wound, and could immediately tell- the wound could not have been made by a rinkaku. Which meant . . . this human had been special to Eyepatch? He had once been human, after all. Perhaps, someone he cared for . . . the investigator knew what had to be done.

“Yes, he is. But he won’t belong if he stays there.”

The ghoul could feel himself thawing, his heart begin to beat harder. The cold began to burn, like he was on fire, and he fell to the ground with a faint thud. Hide . . .

“Hide . . .”

His hands ghosted toward the prone form below him. He delicately laid his forefinger on the throat. Something rushed up inside of Kaneki, and emotion he couldn’t identify and couldn’t control. He felt his hand begin to shake. How had he not noticed? How had he not seen? There, fluttering faintly under his fingertips, was Hide’s pulse.

“How about we make a deal, Kaneki Ken?”


	2. Reminiscent Sunshine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Haise was both amused and disorientated. He felt the warmth begin to return, bit by bit, his skin and clothes heating pleasantly. He smiled, just a little bit. This boy seemed familiar, somehow."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello! I’m back with Ch. 2  
> just so you remember and so this doesn’t totally confuse you, from this point on there’s a time skip to the end of chapter 7, :re  
> please enjoy and comment! :)  
> PS: The book “Horoscope” is totally make-believe. sorry ‘bout that ;)

 

The dream started off soft, gentle. The morning sunlight flickered through broad, branching trees overhead. No one was around, and it was quiet, pleasant. A man was lying on the grass, absently ruffling the pages of a book. It was slightly chilly, like the last days of spring. There was a flash of gold behind the him. It winked into existence again, and then disappeared just as quickly. It was as if droplets of sunlight were falling to the ground and dissipating. The trail of sunlight made its way forwards, towards the reading man, oblivious…

 

Sasaki Haise hummed happily as he flipped through his favorite book, _Horoscope_. It was about a man who woke up in another dimension with no memory of where he came from, and his subsequent mission to achieve “existence” again. It was a pretty junky book, if Haise was being honest, but he liked it for just one thing. Of all the authors he’d ever read, this one seemed to know the true nature of amnesia. The tortuous agony of knowing yourself, but not knowing _who_ you were. Of grasping and reaching into space, but only being able to pull back the vaguest wisps of emotion. Haise sighed and leaned back against the grass, closing his eyes and letting the book fall to the ground. It was too peaceful to read. Usually he used it as an escape from chaos around him. Eyes still closed, he smiled and reached out his hand, towards the sky. _Amnesia, huh…_

His memories were likely ones he didn’t want to relive. Pain, frustration, anger, grief, hatred… they hit him hard and fast, almost vengefully. Sasaki felt like if he let them control him, he would change, and maybe not for the better.

 

But there was one emotion there he couldn’t quite match up with the others from his past. _No, not quite an emotion_ , Haise thought, lowering his hand. A sensation. It reminded Haise of standing in the sun for a long, long time, and then moving into the shade, still feeling the lingering heat on your hair and clothes. Just under your skin. Though right now the warmth seemed so close, almost as if it was there next to him…

 

“Hey, you.”

 

Haise started and sat up. He looked around and saw a boy, no more than six or seven, sitting cross-legged at his feet. His hair was golden with brown roots, like a sunflower, and stuck up in all directions. His eyes were wide, brown, and eager. _Like a puppy._ Haise was both amused and disorientated. He felt the warmth begin to return, bit by bit, his skin and clothes heating pleasantly. He smiled, just a little bit. This boy seemed familiar, somehow.

 

“You’re always off reading by yourself, aren’t you?”

 

 _What’s this feeling?_ The boy was just sitting there, unmoving, waiting for his reply. There was a growing sense of uneasiness in Haise, eating away at the pit of his stomach. His voice was stuck in his throat. But the boy kept waiting for an answer, patiently.

 

“I-is that such a bad thing?”

 

As he talked, Haise smiled and rubbed the back of his head awkwardly. The déjà vu was still there, but he ignored it. This warmth… he wanted to enjoy it as long as possible. The sunflower boy stood up and walked around so he was right next to Haise, then crouched down, bouncing on the balls of his feet.

 

“I didn’t mean it that way.”

 

“Oh.”

 

The unease grew. Something was coming… the trees above had begun to sway, even though Haise couldn’t feel a breeze at all.

 

“Will you be my friend?”

 

Haise felt a pressure building behind his eyelids. The combination of familiar and foreign was clashing violently in his head. He blinked once, twice, trying to clear it. He was seized by the desperate urge to answer the child in front of him, before it was too late, before it was over. He wanted to say he would be his friend, he wanted to hold onto the warmth. Just a little longer.

 

“Yes…”

 

They stared at each other for a few seconds. Then suddenly, the boy doubled over, gasping and shivering. His body was curling in on itself, tighter, tighter, tighter.

 

“Hey! Are you alright?”

 

The stopped shaking and looked up. Blood was running from a corner of his mouth, but he was _smiling_ at him.

 

“Y-yeah. I just wanted you to come back… Kaneki.”

 

The warmth was whisked away as Sasaki Haise was plunged back into the darkness, the cold. _Kaneki, Hide, Kaneki, Hide . . ._

No! He was… he was…

 

~~~~~~~~~~

 

Haise’s eyes flew open. He was lying in his room, the _real_ morning sunshine shining through the gaps in his blinds and falling in broad lines across his bed. Sasaki groaned and rolled over. His head was pounding painfully. He felt like hell. Wait, why was the sunshine so bright so early in the morning…

He rolled over and looked at the clock, then bolted upright like he been plugged into an electrical socket.

 

“Whaaaaaat?!”

 

Haise practically flew out of bed. He was late, late, late. He striped his pajamas and snatched at his shirt, hands flying over the buttons while he ran for his pants in the closet. He needed to make a quick breakfast… maybe cereal and sliced fruit… Damn, why won’t his belt just go _through the loops_ already!

 

He was 2 hours late. Haise groaned. "Well, fuck." 

After that last mission, he had been trying extremely hard to win back some respect from his squad. If he showed up late to work just 2 days after he's messed up like that…He grabbed a brush and ran into the bathroom. His face looked awful. Deep shadows circled his eyes, his face was pale and hollow, and his eyes were rimmed with red. Was he crying? He reached up to touch his face, finding his cheeks damp and salty. He couldn’t remember crying...

Had it been in a dream? Haise reached for the impression of it, the lingering emotion from when he first woke up, and the face of the sunflower boy floated to the top of his head, startlingly clear.

Something about that boy had seemed so familiar, so warm and comforting. Haise remembered the boy falling to the ground, _smiling_ at him…

 

“Ah!”

 

His head gave another painful throb. He couldn’t remember, couldn’t remember anything except that awful cold feeling, the way it sank into the pit of his stomach and settled, heavy and dark. It was worse than any guilt, pain, or anger he’d felt before. It threatened to drag him down, down into his past, where he may never escape. He struggled to regain control. _Focus on something else… work! focus on work… 1000 minus…Arima... don’t die everyone-… no!… Akira-san… Clear your head, Haise… focus…focus…_

Who are you?

_…I am Sasaki_ _Haise_.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ta da! hope you liked it. please comment below!  
> btw, stuff happens next chapter. i promise ;)  
> it will also be longer  
> probably.  
> definitely.  
> preview here:
> 
> A vast sense of loneliness filled Hide, threatening to suffocate him. He pushed it down, struggling to breathe. He had always joked with Ken that rabbits die when they get lonely. Now he found it easy to believe as he felt himself shutting down, the light leaving his eyes. A world without Kaneki Ken felt cold, empty, and meaningless. 
> 
>  
> 
> _You always tried to do things by yourself. Now you’re…_
> 
>  
> 
> Gone. Kaneki was gone, gone, gone.
> 
>  
> 
> _Gone._


	3. Light & Realization

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> " In that moment, reality eclipsed all reason. Hide felt his hands begin to tremble, and he lifted one arm from his side, reaching for him. Terrified he would run away. But he stayed, as if riveted to the spot, wide-eyed and still. "

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> haha! this one is much longer! and finally some real action! (and a bit of explanation for plot)  
> hope you enjoy!

“Owl Extermination… Complete.”

 

The sound of victory cheers rang out between the buildings. Releived faces and joyous expressions crowded every space. A man in the shadows pulled off his helmet and sighed. He wasn’t smiling. He was grieving. For Kaneki, the Eyepatch. Turning away from the humans, he sank into the shadows, searching for _him._

_Kaneki… you’ve got yourself into quite the mess, haven’t you?_

He ran between the buildings, stopping only to listen in on CCG conversations which he couldn’t hear over the general earpiece. Aogiri had showed up. The Eyepatch was taking on Amon-san. The investigators were losing. Every once in a while Hide would come across a battle, and would have to turn back or sneak around.

 

_I’m sorry. I can’t help you. I have to find him._

“… by the likes of you!”

 

“I see.”

 

Hide ran forwards. He knew that voice. He slowed as he turned the corner, staring as he watched Takizawa’s body impale itself on the pulsing tendril of a kagune. Hide froze, transfixed with horror as he fell down, down…

 

“Seido… san?”

 

The ghouls head whipped around to reveal a pale oval and a single, gruesome smile. Hide returned to himself. He watched as the Kagune whipped around, closer and closer, and felt himself tense, muscles bunching as he gathered every ounce of speed and reflexives. He had to dodge. Suddenly, it wasn’t there anymore. Hide froze, confused, then another flash, a rinkaku, came darting lazily towards his other side. Hide was too shocked to move as he felt its sharp edge pierce his gear and skin, pushing past his organs all the way up to the back of his ribcage. Hide gasped, choking on his own blood which had suddenly welled up in his mouth. The pain was unbelievable. It seemed to consume his whole body, every inch of him heavy and roiling and spasming as he tried to release it, release the awful feeling building where it had impaled him. He fell to his knees, grasping at his side in a futile attempt to stop the bleeding. Distantly, he could hear voices, muffled by the material of their masks.

 

“… always waste too much time, Noro… effective enough to disable”

 

The footsteps retreated. Hide looked up. His vision was blurring at the edges, and he was losing _way too much blood_. Desperately, he looked around, and could see in the distance a standard medical kit. In the kit there would be bandages, and drugs for combat situations. He could remember this from the small amount of CCG training he’d had before the mission. Desperately, he crawled towards it, trying to block out the screaming pain in his body for _just a few seconds._ There had been particular drug in here, something he could use…

 

Finally, his hands closed around it: a tiny plastic bottle, filled with white pills. Unscrewed the lid, hands shaking, and popped about 10 of them into his mouth. They tasted disgusting, but thanks to the blood in his mouth and throat they also went down quickly. Instantly, the pain began to recede slightly, and his shaking eased.  A basic painkiller, but chemically balanced so that the typical side effect of sleepiness was nullified. It was designed for combat situations where dulled senses would be a disadvantage.

 

Hide was glad he’d paid attention that time. He was pretty sure he shouldn’t be using this many, but it didn’t matter as long as they worked long enough for him to find Kaneki. He waited until the pain had eased slightly and become bearable. After a few moments, he staggered to his feet and trudged into the snow, the soft powder squeaking under his boots.

The snow kept on falling, covering his tracks as he desperately searched for Kaneki. He had to find him, save him, bring him back. He had so many things he wanted, needed to tell him.

Hide’s breaths gradually became steadier as he walked. His footsteps were in time with the silent mantra inside his head.

 

_Kaneki Ken. Kaneki Ken. Kaneki Ken, Kaneki Ken. Kaneki…_

 

Hide had been walking for what seemed like an eternity. In truth, it was probably only about 15 minutes. He recognized where he was. It was a narrow intersection of alleys that he sometimes used as a shortcut on the way to university. Hide rounded the bend, and for the second time that evening, he felt himself transfixed in horror.

 

He was lying, lifeless, under the harsh luminescence of a streetlight. Black clothes, white hair so pure it was almost silver. The small, delicate hand with blackened fingernails, reaching limply for something, and an ever-widening pool of soft, red snow.

 

_NO! It can’t be…_

Hide’s vision tunneled as he stumbled forward, towards the prone figure ahead of him. He fell to his knees as he drew near, and reached out a shaking hand. _Kaneki…_

“Kaneki…”

 

Hide laid his hand on Kaneki’s shoulder and gently, gingerly rolled him over. His face was as beautiful as Hide remembered, though it seemed less full and boyish. His cheeks were hollow and his skin was pale. Hide’s whole body was trembling as he gently laid his hand on Kaneki’s wrist, his forefinger finding the thin blue veins.

 

Hide was vaguely aware of the tears sliding down his face as he heaved a shaky sigh.

 

“Kaneki. D-don’t go scaring me like that, man.”

 

He was unconscious. Hide stared down fondly at his face, and reached out with the hand that wasn’t holding his hand to stroke his hair.

 

“All this time, you’ve had to suffer like this… I’m sorry.”

 

Gently, Hide shifted his arms under Kaneki and lifted him. He was much too light, but even so his extra weight caused the wound in Hide’s side to protest.

 

“Let’s go home, Kaneki.”

 

~~~~~

 

The sound of his own blood slapping the wooden floorboards of Anteiku was like an accusation to his carelessness. Hide stood, teetering slightly as he grasped the edge of the table. How often had he sat here? How many times had he made Kaneki laugh in that same quiet, shy way, trembling with mirth? Hide smiled, just a little. _Maybe,_ he thought as he fell to the floor, _Maybe dying isn’t such a bad thing if the last thing I hear is your voice, Kaneki._

“I screwed up… just a little bit out there…”

Hide grimaced as the pain returned, and felt himself falling down, down, the floor rushing up to greet him…

Hide wasn’t surprised, but pleased when he felt Kaneki’s arms come around him, arresting his fall. He could feel the other boy shaking as he grasped Hide, looking for the wound, the hurt, the source of the pain. _Still trying to fix things for others, aren’t you?_

 

“Hide...”

 

“Kaneki.”

 

He had to say it. He had to tell Kaneki he accepted him. He had to tell him he loved him. Gasping, Hide straightened, holding Kaneki’s shoulders in a vice-like grip.

 

“Let’s go home.”

 

The last thing Hide saw before falling unconscious was Kaneki’s face, and he knew he had finally brought him back.

 

 ~~~~~

 

 

At some point, Hide began to dream. He couldn’t tell where he was, but it was smoky, and hot, and miserable. He couldn’t see anything, and his left side was burning.

 

“Hide.”

 

Hide heard him, calling for him. He’d finally come back to him. Hide smiled and reached out, sweaty fingers brushing Kaneki’s cool ones. The heat slowly disappeared, and the wound in his side faded to a dull ache.

 

“Let’s go home, Hide.”

 

~~~~~ 

 

When Hide woke up, he was staring at the dull white ceiling of a hospital. His body ached. His head throbbed. Most of all, he felt so _exhausted._ If only he could go back to sleep…

 

_Where’s Kaneki?_

The sudden thought flashed across his conscious, causing Hide to sit up in an almost explosive manner. It was a bad idea.

 

“Ow! Ouch…”

 

The left side of his torso _burned like hell_ , and when he looked down, he found that aside from some bandages wrapped around his side he was completely naked. Not to mention hooked up to an IV drip, heart monitor, and several other machines Hide couldn’t recognize. An unseen breeze stirred the privacy curtain and swept softly across his skin.

 

He looked around the enclosed space, and immediately could tell where he was. The 20th Ward General Hospital. This is where Hide had visited Kaneki everyday after the accident nearly 3 months before. At the thought of his best friend, Hide’s stomach churned. Where was he? What had the CCG done to him? What happened? Is he okay? Hide remembered the agony in his friend’s eyes, and felt tears prick his eyes and constrict his throat. He tried to move again, but the pain was almost blinding. Defeated, he fell back on the pillows and waited for someone to come answer his questions. Unconsciously, his fingers drummed the side bar of the hospital bed as he laid waiting, repeating the same pattern over and over.

 

_Tat, tat, tat, tat, tap. Tat, tat, tat, tat, tap._

 

After what seemed like several hours, someone finally came to him. A harried-looking nurse switched back the curtain and began fiddling with the machines surrounding Hide.

 

“Where’s Kaneki?”

 

No answer. The nurse turned her full attention to the monitors and refused to look at him. Had she been told not to speak to him? Hide waited, barely containing his impatience, until she was done, then he called to her as she tried to leave.

 

“Is he okay?” Silence.

 

“You know where he is, don’t you?”

 

The nurse stiffened slightly, but left without a word. Hide felt the frustration begin to bubble over. He had to find him. He had to make sure he was okay. Another few hours ticked by. Hide watched as the shadows on the ceiling grew longer, and still he waited. For someone, anyone to come.

 

 

It was long after nightfall by the time someone actually did.

 

 

Hide had been lying, staring at the ceiling, worry and dread eating away at his thoughts. Kaneki Ken was filling his mind. He couldn’t seem to stop remembering. Kaneki, the first time he’d meet him, with that shy but gentle smile. Kaneki, on the night his mother died, crying in a quiet, stifled way, not wanting anyone to hear. Though Hide had heard him. Kaneki, on the first day of High School, and his expression of relief when he and Hide were in the same class. That moment in their senior graduation ceremony when Kaneki had giggled at something Hide had said, and Hide first realized: _he’s really cute._ The way he held his chin when he lied. The way his mouth curled when he was blushing. His voice, his laugh, his silvery eyes.

The more recent memories plagued Hide, too. How broken and hopeless his body had looked in the snow, and the blankness of his expression, as if he’d forgotten how to cry. The broken way he had said his name, and the gentle, gentle way he’d held him as Hide had drifted into unconsciousness…

 

Hide started back to wakefulness. How long had he been sleeping? He couldn’t succumb to the exhaustion now, not when he didn’t know where Kaneki was, couldn’t tell him he was okay, couldn’t help him. He could hear footsteps in the distance coming closer. Had someone finally come? Please, let it be that. The waiting was killing Hide.

 

The sharp noise of the curtain caused him to straighten and look up… into the eyes of Investigator Yoskitoki. Hide felt his blood run cold. Why was one of the top CCG investigators here?

 

“Hideyoshi Nagachika, right?”

 

Hide’s mind was blank. All he could do was nod as all the questions he had died in his throat. Yoshitoki-san gave a small, courteous smile that didn’t reach his eyes. He seemed, cold, detached, and professional. Hide had trouble reading people like him.

 

“Do you mind if I talk to you for a minute?”

 

~~~~~

 

The investigator stepped back and slid the curtain back into place before leaving. Hide lay where he had left him. Aside from his shaking hands, his body refused to move. It felt light and hollow, like everything that weighed him to the earth had been cut away, and now he was just floating, weightless, purposeless.

 

_No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, NO! This can’t be happening. Not after everything. I finally had you back…_

 

A vast sense of loneliness filled Hide, threatening to suffocate him. He pushed it down, struggling to breathe. He had always joked with Ken that rabbits die when they get lonely. Now he found it easy to believe as he felt himself shutting down, the light leaving his eyes. A world without Kaneki Ken felt cold, empty, and meaningless.

 

_You always try to do things by yourself. Now you’re…_

 

Gone. Kaneki was gone, gone, gone.

 

 

The smell of burning flesh invaded Hide’s conscious. Somewhere nearby, they were burning the bodies. Hide wondered if they were burning Kaneki with them.

 

~~~~~ 

 

Now, nearly three years later, the smell of burning meat fills Hide’s nostrils as he prodded and flipped hamburgers on a greasy grill at Big Girl.

 

_“T-then, I’ll take her out to Big Girl, just the two of us…”_

Hide felt his mouth twist in a nostalgic smile. Ken had been so innocent and clueless about the whole dating thing, even as an 18-year old boy. It had been absolutely hilarious to watch him try to wrap his mind around the concept of a “date”. For all the books he read, Kaneki wasn’t very good at grasping romantic ideas. As he thought of Kaneki, Hide felt him himself beginning to return to that dark place his mind sometimes went, and had to forcefully backpedal. It wouldn’t be good if he started breaking down in the middle of lunch rush.

 

“Two cheeseburgers out front! Hurry it up, Nagachika!”

 

The harsh voice of his boss Goro rang out like the crack of a whip across the crowded, humid kitchen and effectively jolted Hide back to reality.

 

“Yes, Sir!”

 

Hide turned back to his burgers, only to find them burning. He exclaimed in dismay and quickly began trying to recover them. As one of his co-workers rushed to help him, Goro’s irritated voice interrupted.

 

“What are you- _gah!_ Enough of this! Get out there and make yourself useful!”

 

Hide sighed in relief. The boss had finally gave in. He wasn’t cut out for kitchen work. He preferred being behind the register, and interacting with people. He observed lots of different kinds of people, and even made a study of them, categorizing them and sorting them based on traits and chracteristics. It was almost an obsession at this point. But, no matter how many times Hide stood behind the register, no matter how many hundreds of people he checked out, he couldn’t find a single one even remotely like Kaneki. He’d tried. He would seek out the bookworms, the shy ones, the studious ones, and smile at them, interact with them. But none of them had his voice. None of them had his soft hair, or his delicate face, or quiet determination, or silvery eyes, or the expression he had when he laughed. Hide knew trying to find another Kaneki was ridiculous, and he felt awful about it, too. No one could ever replace him and Hide knew it. But still, he found comfort in the act of looking. He couldn’t acknowledge the fact that he was gone. Not now. Not ever.

 

Hide sighed and leaned back, taking a moment to wipe the sweat from his face. Even without working in the hot and steamy kitchen, rush hour was exhausting. The restaurant’s doorbells chimed and Hide turned, plastering on a quick smile to greet whoever had just walked in.

 

“Welco-“

 

Hide froze the moment he saw their face. The air-conditioner hummed, blowing through the metal vents overhead and ruffling the soft white hair shot through with dark roots. Florescent lighting illuminated silver irises, and the soft curve of his jaw and mouth. Pale, slender fingers were hanging loosely at his sides as round grey eyes stared into Hide’s brown ones.

 

In that moment, reality eclipsed all reason. Hide felt his hands begin to tremble, and he lifted one arm from his side, reaching for him. Terrified he would run away. But he stayed, as if riveted to the spot, wide-eyed and still.

 

Hide _knew._

_It’s him._

 

There was a long silence, and they stood there, staring at each other, neither seeming able to move. Finally, Hide broke the silence. He hadn’t been aware he was holding his breath until he let it out in a single, breathy word. A name that he hadn’t spoken aloud in over 2 years.

_“Kaneki…”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so? how was it? i haven't beta-tested this, so if you see any mistakes please let me know! hope you liked it ;)


	4. Echoing Laughter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> " Everywhere Hide went, Kaneki was there, invading his thoughts, his emotions, his existence, assaulting him with memories, recollections, regrets. Even the pattern of his life seemed woven around him. "

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey guys! finally back...  
> i'm sorry this chapter is so short (and probably not what you were expecting)  
> i keep trying to write the "meeting" but it just doesn't seem right and i don't want to have regrets about it, so i put in this filler chapter for a bit of an update. someone asked me in an earlier comment why Hide wasn't graduating university and getting a job, and this is supposed to kinda explain that, soooooo.... please enjoy and comment! ;)

They discharged Hide a few days after Investigator Yoshitoki’s visit. He hadn’t spoken a word since then. What was there to say? When the nurses let him go, they hardly looked at him. It was early afternoon, and the sun was still low in the sky when Hide emerged to a new 20th ward. The snow had considerably thawed, and the bodies and gore were both gone. The only thing they were unable to erase was the destroyed or damaged buildings, and the lingering sense of death.

 

Not wanting to go home yet, Hide wandered the streets and back-alleys, unconsciously retracing his steps from that night. When he began to approach the place where he’d first found Kaneki that night, Hide hesitated, slowing to a stop. He closed his eyes and breathed in before slowing rounding the corner.

 

The first thought Hide had was, _nothing’s here._ It was quiet, peaceful, sometime in the early afternoon. The 20th Ward was slowly coming back to life, but Hide never felt so dead before. Who had a right to just wipe away all the blood, the pain? All the evidence that he’d suffered, all of Kaneki’s agony, how dare they just wipe it away? He stood there for a few minutes, all the helplessness he had been holding back threatening to overcome him. Before he was aware of what he was doing, Hide found himself turning, running to the nearest store he found, looking for something. Another shop, another, and another. The sun was lower in the sky by the time Hide emerged, carrying a plastic bag, his mind filled with half-formed thoughts and plans.  It was nearly dark by the time he was back. Hide pulled out the things he’d found. Two spray cans, one silver, one red. A memorial to love was fine, wasn’t it? He began to shake the red violently, the frustration building up inside of him. Nobody was going to remember him unless he _did_ something. Kaneki had always liked being invisible, but now no one was going to remember him.

 

_I should have been there, damnit_

Hide cursed himself viscously, un-popping the lid of the can and pressing the trigger.

 

_In the end, I was just useless to you, huh, Kaneki? I’m so stupid._

He threw the expired can aside, grabbing the silver as the thin red paint ran in rivulets down the wall. He began to press lighter, his grip softening as the hopelessness overtook him.

 

_I’m so sorry, Kaneki. I’m sorry. So, so, so, sorry._

The empty canister fell with a hollow clatter, jarring Hide back to the present. He stared the wall. The red paint was spattered and smeared in a long trail, a crude rendition of the blood Hide had seen that night. Above it, the characters faded and barely discernable, was Kaneki’s name, written over and over, layered into an incomprehensible mess. Hide felt the familiar pressure at the back of his throat and sank down to his knees.

 

“Sorry, Kaneki. It was supposed to look more beautiful than this…”

 

Hot tears slid down his face as Hide gave a choked smile. Kaneki always did tease him about his art.

 

_Kaneki. It wasn’t supposed to be like this. I’m sorry, I’m sorry._

_“I’m so sorry.”_

 

Hide sat there until the last traces of light were gone from the sky, sitting on his knees with his head bowed, almost like he was praying. Praying for what, Hide didn’t know, but he felt like he owed it to him. To Kaneki.

 

The cold light of the streetlight illuminated the soft silver characters with a faint glow. Hide smiled at the familiar lines, his hands wiping at his dampened cheeks.

 

It was cold, and the air tasted bitter, but there was something else. It almost felt like Kaneki was there. Hide stood, ignoring the throb of pain it caused to his torso, and started off in the direction of his apartment, the presence of Kaneki haunting him.

 

“Let’s go home.”

 

~~~~~

 

After a utterly sleepless night, Hide stood in front of the University Gates, the cold morning air stinging his hands. He stared at the gates, feeling light and strangely weak. Memory had caught him in its iron grip, and wasn’t letting go.

 

_“Hey hey, Kaneki! Guess wha---------t?!” Hide barreled into Kaneki from behind, spinning him round and round in rambunctious joy before finally coming to a stop. He could feel Kaneki’s heartbeat thumping wildly under his forearms as the other boy turned around, eyes wide with surprise._

_“H-Hide, what-“_

_“I got into Kamii!” The other blinked for a moment, not seeming to register his words._

_“…Huh?”_

_“I passed the test! We can go together after all!” Kaneki’s eyes came into focus again, and he smiled at Hide, that special soft smile only Hide got to see. He could feel the faint heat in Kaneki’s breath as he exhaled softly in relief._

_“Thank goodness.”_

The sensation of water falling on his skin woke Hide from his trance. He looked up, distantly registering the fact that it was raining.

_“Looks like the sky is spitting again…” Kaneki trailed off and threw an annoyed glance at Hide, who had broken out into fits of laughter._

_“What’s so funny?” Hide stood, wiping the tears from his eyes._

_“I-It’s just…” Hide almost broke out laughing again, but contained himself “Everything you say, it’ s like you’re a talking poetry book or something! Agh, it’s so cute…” Hide started laughing but broke off again at his friend’s face. Kaneki was blushing furiously._

_“I-It’s not cute, Hide! It’s just the way I talk!”_

_“Right right. Sorry Kaneki. I shall not insult your manliness ever again.”_

_“Oh, shut up.” But he was smiling._

Hide shook his head and came back to the present again. The rain was beginning to come down much harder now, and Hide could feel the hood of his jacket rapidly becoming damper. Sighing, he turned away from the university and went home.

 

~~~~~

 

Everywhere Hide went, Kaneki was there, invading his thoughts, his emotions, his existence, assaulting him with memories, recollections, regrets. Even the pattern of his life seemed woven around him. He had long quit the CCG (for some reason, they hadn’t pressed any charges for him being associated with a ghoul) and couldn’t be bothered to find a new job. He purged his apartment of anything that reminded him of ghouls or the CCG or anything from the past few months, desperately throwing away articles, the stacks of missing posters, the research on his computer, his uniform, everything. He couldn’t bring himself to throw away Kaneki’s pictures, so he just ended up packing them away into cardboard boxes, one after another. Nothing worked to get rid of his memory. Eventually, Hide’s entire apartment was empty and bleak, cold and impersonal boxes lining the walls, and a complete mess. Clothes and empty fast food wrappers littered the floor, and half of the light bulbs in his house were burned out, but he didn’t bother changing them, and kept the remaining ones on at all times, fearing the darkness. He didn’t have any kind of job, stopped going to university, and wandered the streets at night, empty and useless, his hair unwashed and his clothes rumpled. He had never realized t, but Kaneki had been a constant factor in his life, something he could always count on being there, something he took for granted. He should have been better to him. _Maybe_ , he thought, _if I had just said something back then about that girl…_ _how cold and dangerous she looked, maybe if I could have just convinced him..._

 

Hide shuddered and wrapped his coat a little tighter around himself. It had already been a month since the day he woke up in the hospital. He hustled down the streets, the cold air biting at the tips of his ears and fingers. Hide welcomed the distraction and discomfort of the cold. It cleared his head and helped clear his thoughts. Earlier that day, he had received a call from his landlord. They told him that if he couldn’t pay his bills, they were going to kick him out. Hide smiled, remembering how little that had even meant to him. He should have been more disturbed about it, but he found he wasn’t. Nothing really seemed so important anymore, not even his own health.

_I’m not disrespecting your wishes as long as I’m alive. Right, Kaneki? How can you expect me to live a happy life if you’re not here?_

Hide felt the all-too-familiar sting in his eyes and bowed his head, feeling the hot tears pool in his eyes and fall, cold, onto his hands. He kept on walking, not really minding where he was going, eventually stopping outside of a bar, the flashy lights breaking through the filmy haze of tears. He looked up, and strangely found the bright lights alluring. Would it be so wrong to forget, just for a little? Just to stop the pain for a little while?

 

Almost against his will, Hide found himself moving forward, opening the door and stepping into the hot, crowded space. He grabbed a table in a corner and waited until a server came up, ordering the strongest drink they had, which incidentally tasted like cat piss. Within five minutes of entering the establishment, he was completely intoxicated. It felt… light. Everything was a little bit blurred and seemed to be moving a little too slow, but it had a calming effect. He smiled, a peaceful sensation coming over him.

 

Then his mind began to drift to “that place” again. Hide tried thinking about Kaneki, and found that he couldn’t even remember his face. It was terrifying and horrible to think he had forgotten him. Hide began to hyperventilate, his limbs becoming heavy as he struggled to visualize Kaneki, the image slipping through his conscious like sand through a sieve. How could he be so selfish, to try to forget him? The thought of not ever being able to remember Kaneki made Hide feel like he was going to be sick, and so he was. Staggering to his feet and hoping no one noticed, Hide left the bar, stopping when the cold air hit his face. For some reason, this made him feel nauseous again, and he ended up on his hands and knees, throwing up into the gutter outside the building.

 

After a few minutes he stood, raising a shaky hand to wipe at his mouth, and began to wander home, only to find the streets were warping and twisting violently. Hide was completely lost. He staggered around the neighborhood a little before collapsing under a street light and passing out.

 

~~~~~

 

After that incident, Hide didn’t drink anymore, and realized he was going to die of starvation if he didn’t get a job. He begged his landlord to let him stay a little longer, and soon found himself roaming the streets, searching for a job. After about a week of hunting, Hide was able to find one at Big Girl. He remembered going there just a few weeks ago, as a college student, feeling that rather cruel but satisfying feeling that _he_ wasn’t the person with that dead-end, low-pay job, serving him his burgers.

 

The irony was cruel, but Hide couldn’t find it in himself to return to college, not without Kaneki there. The thought of even trying to sit in Asian History, and not taking notes for Kaneki, or looking forward to reviewing with him, or grabbing a coffee and joking about the weird Chinese names they learned after class, seemed too cruel to consider.

 

So, Hide changed the pattern of his life, and was able to escape some of the memories, and that suffocating pain. He changed the music he listened to, choosing sad songs over his old ones with the western lyrics and peppy beats. His clothes became colorless and subdued. In short, he did everything to change himself from the Hide of the past, the one who needed _him,_ to someone detached, and faceless. Hide resigned himself to the smell of the grease, the hot air, the dirty money shoved in the register, and the endless, nameless, faceless customers, drifting in and out, over and over, day after day.

 

~~~~~

 

Hide could feel the delicate wall that he had built between the past and him, rendering him cold and lifeless. In a single moment, the wall cracked, the sound echoing like a shotgun in his subconscious.

 

“ _Kaneki…”_

It fell, in broken pieces, and scattered across the floor.

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so basically everyone cry for Hide right now. i just felt like Hide wouldn't be able to get over losing such a constant factor and love in his life so easily. i hope it seemed IC  
> please comment! i am taking any suggestions for how i should write the "meeting" which WILL be next chapter, i promise! so you can tell me what scene you think would seem the most realistic and i may use it- or an idea from it ;)  
> (like build-a-bear for fanfiction!)


	5. Death and Rebirth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! I'm so sorry for the super, super, super late update! I think I told you in the comments, but my parents hate this weird thing about computers and summertime *sigh*. anyway, as promised, i have returned with a new chapter! this one is slightly smaller than the previous ones, sorry about that. 
> 
> as for updates, i'm really busy but i am going to try to do them at least every 2 weeks, so bear with me! :) thank you so much again for the support, and enjoy! ;)

Haise hurried down the street as the rain pounded down, ducking under shop covers whenever he could. Right as he’d left the CCG for lunch a shower started, and now it was a full-blown storm. It was almost like the world was conspiring to make his day the worst one possible. It had all seemed to go downhill after waking up late and showing up completely exhausted. He’d forgotten that  today was the deadline for Urie and Saiko’s Quinx Weapon reports. He realized only _after_ he arrived that the 3 hours he’d overslept was also the extra time he had set aside to complete them. Not only that, the minute he’d arrived at CCG headquarters he was ordered to a disciplinary meeting with Arima concerning the “Serpent Mission” and had to spend an entire hour listening to Arima quietly lecture him about the importance of not using his kagune, and how he endangered everyone present, etcetera. He had finally finished the reports by a little after 2 o’clock, and as a result the cafeteria was already closed. Haise sighed. He didn’t really like going out for food, but there just hadn’t been any other options. His eyes scanned the store-fronts, looking for a place to eat. He passed several cafes, but found himself passing them, reluctant to go in. The smell of coffee, lately, had seemed like something darker than it’s brew.

 

The rain’s quiet patter escalated to a gushing roar. Haise bowed his head and shivered as a cold wind blew up under his umbrella and dampened his face. He kept walking, ignoring the chill and flipping up the collar of his coat. He adjusted the grip on his quinque case, the damp making the rubber grip sticky and vaguely unpleasant. A familiar smell of cooking grease and burning meat began to fill his nostrils. He looked up and found himself staring up at the neon light of a western-style fast food restaurant. He remembered that they seemed quite popular with college and high school students nowadays, though usually he ate traditionally. Yet somehow, this smell…

 

This feeling wasn’t déjà vu… it was just comforting. Something about this restaurant seemed comfortable and familiar, like a place from his childhood, or a time of innocence. He found himself drawn to the glass doors like a moth to flame, and before he knew it he was walking in. A boy was standing at a cash register, his dull blond hair tilted forward, hiding his features.

 

There was no one else in the shop, and it was so quiet that Haise could hear the gentle swish of displaced air as the door closed behind him. He started slightly at the loud chiming of the bells. The boys looked up and smiled, his eyes rising to meet the other’s.

 

“Welco-“

 

He broke off suddenly, the bills he held in his hands falling, forgotten, to the floor. Haise, as well, was frozen. The hair was duller in color… longer, and not as spiky. His skin was paler, and the face was thinner. But there was no doubt in his mind. This person was the sunflower boy from his dream. A person from his past… fear gripped its cold hand around Haise’s heart, constricting it and making it beat faster, and faster, and faster.

 

For a few moments, neither moved. The moment seemed frozen, somehow, more like a photograph than an evanescent moment in time. Haise continued to stare at the boy who had appeared, disorientated and numb with cold. That all-too-familiar warmth returned, the intensity of it nearly turning his vision white. He swayed slightly, the movement going unnoticed by the other, who raised a single, trembling hand, reaching for Haise as if afraid he would run away. Sasaki was frozen, a statue, an immutable, as the boy spoke the final thing to break his conscious.

 

“ _Kaneki…”_

 

The intensity of that name was enough to send another shock of cold across Haise’s body. He became aware of the fact that he was trembling. Still, he met the blonde’s eyes, unwilling to look away, to let go. Then the sunflower boy’s eyes flicked downward, to the familiar grey investigator’s coat, and he… flinched?

 

The motion broke the temporary spell that held them both captive, and Haise’s eyes flicked downwards, not wanting to meet those bright brown eyes again. He fidgeted, desperately searching for a topic of conversation. For some reason, his head felt really light, and the room was spinning and twisting. He swayed again, and this time the boy noticed, running out from around the counter to approach him.

 

“A-are you alright…”

 

His hand reached out, grasping for his shoulder. A chill of fear ran down Haise’s spine at the contact, and he recoiled, moving so violently he tripped and fell backwards onto the floor, where he remained, shivering violently.

 

“Should I call an ambulance?”

 

The familiarity of that voice, filled with concern and panic, broke through the haze of Haise’s panic.

 

“No! I mean, please don’t…”

 

Haise looked up and found himself staring into brown eyes. _His eyes. They’re the same._ Haise didn’t know whose thoughts belonged to whom at this point. Was it him, or Kaneki? But for once, the “other” him and Haise were in agreement. _Get away. Fast._

“Hey-“

As if in a dream, Haise felt himself standing, his head still spinning, and he began to run, out the door, through the rain, his shoes making faint slapping noises on the pavement.

 

“VROOOOOOOOOOOOMP!”

 

Bright white filled his vision and Haise turned, only registering that the truck was right in front of him when it was too late. He could only watch, his eyes growing wide as it came closer…

 

Something slammed into Haise from the side, throwing him out of the truck’s way in the last second before impact. His head smacked the pavement hard as he fell, and Haise saw stars. With another deafening honk, the truck whooshed past, soaking him in a wall of water. He became dimly aware of another body pressed into him from above, their arms curled around him protectively. The person’s hair was pressed up into his nose, and the spiky tips made him want to sneeze as the smell of cheap shampoo overwhelmed his nostrils. As he came to his senses, Sasaki realized several things at the same time. He had run out into the middle of a one-way street and nearly got hit by a truck. The back of his head ached and felt warm and sticky. But none of those things made him as distressed as the fact that the body above him could only be one person, and that they were warm and solid and _too close to him._ Haise remembered the reason he even ran into the street in the first place. The sunflower boy slowly released him and sat up. Haise swore he felt his hands shaking, and his expression was even more haunted than it had been in the store.

 

“… are you alright?”

 

Haise noted the fact that his voice was shaking like he was about to cry. Damnit.

 

“Th-… that’s what _I_ should be asking _you_.”

 

Haise barely had time to blink before the other enveloped him in a hug. Sasaki froze. It was warm and soft and extremely gentle, like the other was afraid he would shatter.

 

“Oh my god, I- I thought I was gonna lose you again and y-you just…”

 

He let out a shaky exhale and held him slightly tighter.

 

“Am _I_ okay? You just… Kaneki… I…”  * sniff *

 

Haise’s head was feeling more and more painful by the minute, and he doubted it was just from the pavement. Slowly he pried the other’s arms off of him and pulled away. He could see his face now, tear-streaked and confused, then hurt.

 

“Kaneki?…”

 

Haise thought he was going to be sick. He took a deep breath and braced himself for the other’s reaction to his words.

 

“I-I’m sorry but… who are you?”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> things you want to see/have happen? tell me about it and i'll definitely consider it. someone has already made a super cute and great request i'll try to work in by the next chapter!


	6. Gray Deluge

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i know this is a super early update, but i got hit by writer's fever (i just made up a word lol) and wrote another short one.  
> i like writing these short chapters that alternate POV, but i'll offer you guys a choice: more frequent updates and shorter chapters, or longer chapters and less frequent updates? tell me what you think in the comments, and enjoy! ;)
> 
> also there may be typos. just a warning, so if you see any please tell me!

Hide stood there, hand extended lamely, as Kaneki half-staggered, half-ran out of the restaurant. He stood there, like an idiot, frozen in shock.

 

_What… just happened?_

His mind had gone completely blank. As if on autopilot, Hide also began to run out the door.

 

_Who… was that?_

He ran into the freezing rain, and then he saw something that made his heart stop. There was Kaneki, in that grey coat, stumbling right into the path of a massive semi-truck. Hide’s legs were moving before he’d fully registered what was happening. As he drew closer, everything seemed to slow down as little details came into full focus. The bright white headlights of the truck. The silvery glimmer of Kaneki’s soft hair, and his eyelashes, fluttering for a moment before seeing the truck, and then they widened, his face freezing in shock, an instant before Hide slammed into him, sending them both flying out of the truck’s way as it roared by them.

 

And there they were, lying on the ground, Hide on top of Kaneki, both their hearts hammering in their chests. Hide could hear it’s wild thumping through the wet fabric of his coat and shirt.

 

_His heart beats the same as before._

Hide remembered how it used to feel to hug him, with the smell of detergent with his narrow shoulders, and that same bass rhythm underneath his arms, against his chest. The feeling was almost overwhelming.

 

_His heartbeat…_

 Hide slowly came to his senses, and he realized several things. The body underneath him was stiff and unresponsive, despite the hammering in his chest. Although it was the last thing he _ever_ wanted to do, Hide managed to let him sit up by awkwardly crouching between his legs and bracing himself on his hands. The other’s mouth moved, and it took Hide a minute to register them, he was so busy staring at Kaneki’s face, capivated.

 

“A-are you alright?” his voice was shaking, and in that moment, any last vestiges of doubt in Hide’s mind were blown away. He let out a faint, breathy laugh, barely noticeable.

 

“T-… that’s what _I_ should be asking _you_.”

 

Hide leaned forward and wrapped him in a tight embrace, carefully and gently.

 

_He’s okay he’s okay he’s alive he’s alive Kaneki’s alive!_

Hide was almost incoherent to _himself_ as he rambled, tears of both sadness and relief threatening to overwhelm him.

 

“Oh my god, I- I thought I was going to lose you again and y-you just…”

 

_You’re more important than anyone else. Don’t leave me again, I’ll break._

He almost forgot to breath as he held him tighter, holding his body closer to his. The tears began to spill down his cheeks, mixing with the freshwater rain.

 

 _You always try to do things for youself. You never ask for help, and you worry more about other than yourself. That’s why I worry for_ you, _Kaneki._

“Am _I_ okay? You just… Kaneki… I…” he broke off, unable to continue.

 

Something felt wrong. Kaneki wasn’t responding to him.

 

_Why? What’s wrong, Kaneki?_

He was too surprised to react as Kaneki pulled away, prying his hands off and sitting back slightly. Hide could see his shoulders eaving slightly, as if he was short of breath. Hide couldn’t see his expression because his head was hanging and his bangs obscured his eyes. Part of the reason why Hide never liked talking to Kaneki on the phone was this, his eyes. Kaneki spoke with his eyes, and without them he may as well have been speaking to a brick wall. Yet somehow, Hide knew he was watching him, trying to gauge his reactions. He stared at him, baring his expressions like an open book.

 

“Kaneki?”

 

The other flinched slightly at his name passing Hide’s lips and let out a shaky breath. The earlier sense of awkwardness he had felt was rapidly growing, knowing at his consciousness. He suddenly felt himself dreading the other’es next words, even as Kaneki said them

 

“I-I’m sorry but… who are you?”

 

_What?_

Hide was completely lost. Everything about Kaneki was so… wrong. The grey Investigator’s coat. The confusion in his eyes when he looked at Hide, that unfamiliarity. The unexplained fear, and the amnesia. It just wasn’t clicking for Hide. Kaneki had been… dead. Yet here he was, very much alive. So familiar, yet so alien. Hide reached out, despite himself, to stroke his hair, but Kaneki recoiled as if he’d been punched in the gut, a faint gasping noise escaping his lips. Hide, in turn, pulled back quickly.

 

“Sorry…I just sorta…” He looked down at his hands and started.  “You’re bleeding?!”

 

Kaneki looked up, his eyes briefly meeting Hide’s “Oh no, that’s nothing” he muttered, “don’t pay attention to it.”

 

“Where are you hurt? Is it your head?” Hide gently grabbed the other’s shoulders, and before the other could react he gently pushed him down slightly, looking at his head. His heart gave a particularly loud thump when he saw the blood, thick and matted to the back of his crown.

 

 _He must have got it when I shoved him out of the way of the truck,_ He realized. Hide felt the guilt, crushing him under its agonizingly heavy weight _He’s hurt again because of me._

“Um, thank you and… I’m sorry for inconveniencing you… excuse me.” Kaneki rushed the words out and stood up quickly, beginning to walk down the sidewalk at a brisk pace.

Hide strengthened his resolve. He wasn’t going to let Kaneki leave his life again, even if he didn’t remember him.

 

“Wait!” he waited for the other to sop, but if anything he started going faster. Hide got to his feet and began to run after him, grabbing his wrist and turning him around. He wondered if all the desperation he was feeling was showing in his eyes, but he didn’t particularly care one way or another.

 

“We have to treat this wound. That’s a really deep head gash. I promise no hospitals, just… please let me trea-“

 

“Please don’t touch me.” Kaneki’s voice sounded broken, somehow, as if Hide’s touch pained him. Hide pulled back as if he’d been slapped, but quickly recovered, desperation fueling his voice.      

 

“Okay… just please. We’re both soaking wet, and you’re injured, and… just come to my apartment for like, twenty minutes…” Hide pleaded fervently

 

“…no hospitals?”  His voice was hesitant

 

Hide felt relief flood his system as his body visibly relaxed. “No hospitals. I promise.”

 

“…alright.”

 

Hide felt a sense of elation. _He’s alive, he’s here in front of me, regardless of how different he is_. Hide’s expression started to change into one he hadn’t felt in a long time, and he spoke, joy permeating his tone.

 

“Let’s go home.”

 

Hide’s cheeks hurt from smiling so wide.                

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hehe for those people who wanted a smiling Hide hope this little tidbit made you happy (told you i'm working on clearing the clouds of angst)


	7. Twilight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How did it come to this?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey guys! first off i have to apologize for the extremely late update. i've been busy with keeping all A's in school and it's been absolute hell. not to mention this year i suddenly have a social life O-O  
> don't know how that happened.  
> so anyway, here's the pitifully short, hopefully-not-full-of-typos new chapter! i know it's not what you were expecting, maybe, but i need to keep switching POV's in order to get the storyline right. this means some chapters will be short, and other's will be long. because of this, though, the next update may be sooner than expected (yay!)  
> please comment/tell me what you think!

The blonde’s hand was surprisingly warm on Haise’s as he dragged him through the narrow back-alleys of a Tokyo residential area.

 

Haise wasn’t quite sure how he ended up like this, being lead by the hand by a ghost from his past. It was like for every voice in his head screaming _“I have to run! I have to escape!”_ there was another, louder voice calling _“Stay a little longer.”_

_He held me so closely… and I know him from my past… so why am I not scared of him?_

“ _Let’s go home”_

 

Haise felt an unexplainable wrench in his gut. Why were those words so familiar to him, and yet so painful?

It was an anomaly; when he smiled and said those words, Haise felt the greatest rush of both relief and sorrow at the same time. It made his head spin and he swayed from the sheer power of the sensation. Luckily, the other had simply assumed it was his head injury and had pushed even harder to take him to get treated.

 

A light squeeze on his fingers snapped Haise back to reality.

 

_Did he just… squeeze my hand?_

Haise looked up, scrutinizing the person in front of him. The weak afternoon sun was obscured behind the thick clouds, throwing the narrow back-alleys into twilight-like shadow.  The faint lighting made everything seem unfocused and dream-like, and Haise found his eyes inexplicably drawn to the lines of the shoulders in front of him, the way the undefined muscles rippled with each step he took, the wetness of his white shirt clearly outlining the lines of his body. For some reason, Haise was seized by an urge to reach out and run his hands across his shoulders, his neck, the ridge of his spine, as if the human form was something completely new to him. Haise came back to himself, feeling a faint heat tinge his cheeks. It had been so long since someone touched him like this… he couldn’t remember the last time his hand had been held in such a comforting way. It was an almost jarring sensation, after so long without it, yet Haise let it happen, not really responding, but not resisting, either. The rain had soaked him through, but he couldn’t feel a thing, except a sort of numbness, a shock. He didn’t even notice that they’d stopped until he nearly ran into the solid form in front of him. He lurched to a stop, and stood there, swaying slightly as if drunk. For some reason, the injury on his head hadn’t healed yet, and was actually beginning to throb. Haise winced at the sudden pressure behind his eyeballs, making his eyes water. He felt the hand gripping his twist slightly as sunflower boy looked at him in concern.

 

“We’re here, but we have to go up some stairs. Can you manage?”

The words seemed sort of distant to Haise over the dull roaring in his ears. It felt like a massive, prolonged head-rush, punctuated with dull stabs every other minute. Haise struggled to form the words.

 

“I’m… fine… just need to…”

 

Haise swayed slightly, his limbs becoming weak and his knees buckling. He feel into something damp, and cool. Haise realized, somewhere in the back of his mind, that it was the other’s chest.

 

“Sorry for involving you in this… I … kinda screwed up huh?...”

 

There was a sharp intake of breath from the chest Haise was leaning on, followed by a shaky exhale.

 

“Please… don’t ever say something like that again.”

 

The boy’s voice was shaking, and had Haise been feeling a little stronger he would have lifted his head to see the other’s expression, but he couldn’t for the pain in his head. Suddenly the grip on his arms shifted, and the world was heaving around him. He held on to the wet shirt in front of him for dear life, twisting the fabric so hard he was surprised it didn’t tear. It took him a minute to realize the reason for the sudden upheaval. He was being held, princess style, in the other’s arms.

 

Haise felt his face get uncomfortably hot, but was too weak to protest other than a faint, “I can stand by myself…”

 

“But can you get up the stairs?” The other was grinning at him cheekily, but behind the spunk Haise saw genuine concern. He bowed his head to conceal his red face.

 

“Don’t you dare… drop…me” He forced out between his teeth, the pain making him hiss slightly. He felt the other’s grip tighten fractionally on his body, and when he spoke, his voice had lost much of its mirth.

 

“Wouldn’t dream of it.”

 

They began to walk up the stairs, Haise in his arms. At some point he lost track of time, choosing instead to will away the constant pain in his head. It concerned him. He normally never felt this kind of pain unless severely injured. And it wasn’t just where he smacked the pavement. It was his whole head. It felt like his brain was shifting, tight coils of gray matter twisting and rearranging his mind, and it was extremely painful, like his skull was being expanded by burning hot air. He whimpered quietly.

 

“Hang in there, Kaneki… We’re almost there…”

 

_Kaneki?... Who is this person?_

_… Who am I?_

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> maybe some century i'll fix the last few chapters (so full of typos they look like swiss cheese)


	8. AUTHOR'S NOTE

( _6 months later_ ) I LIVEEEEEEEE!

I finally have a free couple of weeks before school so we might finally see some updating up in here.. thank you so much to those people who kept leaving kudos and comments despite my hiatus

masochisticalie

 

 


	9. Broken Clouds

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> That’s right. Kaneki was here. Kaneki’s body was leaning to him, his butterfly heartbeat brushing his ribcage.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> readers: "two updates in one day?? is she ok?!"  
> me: hehehehe
> 
> this is super short, basically drabble length. but i wanted to break the ice on this story again, revive it after so long and stuff. totally unbeta-ed of course. cause that's just how i do. 
> 
> special thanks to: Jambee, SpaceDementia49, SeleneLuna, Dave_in_Nightvale, Guest, Mr, woomy_niisan, daiyokai, and everyone who left kudos! You were a true inspiration for me to pick this fic up again ;)

“Let’s go home” The words rang out in Hide’s conscious as he carried Kaneki’s body up the stairwell, breathing ragged and chest heavy. This scene, this feeling was all too similar to that time, trying to reach a home that no longer existed.

With each step Hide took up the rickety staircase, a gunfire crack of old metal would punctuate his thoughts, leading him to go up the stairs in an almost trance state. _Ka_ \- creak _ne_ \- creak _ki_. Hide huffed, the physical and mental strain sending him into an almost trance-like state.

After what seemed like an eternity, he reached his door. Now came the hard part.

_Ugh, gotta reach the goddamn keys._

Which were in his back pocket. Mindful of Kaneki’s head injury, Hide carefully shifted him into one arm, grunting as Kaneki’s feet brushed the floor and his limp body dragged on Hide’s right shoulder. Hide found himself wincing as the movement caused the old injury in his stomach to twitch painfully.

It still hurt, from time to time, but Hide mostly preferred to ignore its existence. It only made him think of that night, and how-

_Don’t go there, Hide. You have to focus right now._

That’s right. Kaneki was here. Kaneki’s body was leaning to him, his butterfly heartbeat brushing his ribcage. Hide fumbled with the lock before it gave way, some peels of paint shaking from the trim as he practically shoved the door open, warped wood dragging on white tile. He stepped inside, half-dragging Kaneki, before carefully laying him down in the entryhall.

His apartment was so cheap it didn’t even have a proper _genkan*_ , just cheap tile that transferred onto cheaper linoleum, but now Hide was grateful for it; it allowed him to drag Kaneki’s limp form without too much struggle.

After some dragging, struggling, and muttered curses, Hide finally had Kaneki lying on his futon, seeming to be sleeping peacefully.

It was only then that the full reality of his situation hit him. Kaneki was here, sleeping in his bed, very much alive.

Hide thought back to the look on Kaneki’s face when he first saw him. The recognition had been there, Hide was sure of it. And fear, so much fear. Yet Kaneki has denied knowing him at all, his voice had been so… unsure.

_He was afraid… of me?_

  
When Hide saw him stumble in front of the truck, his body was moving before he even was aware of it. The thought of losing Kaneki again had triggered a huge wave of adrenaline, his legs moving so fast he couldn’t feel himself touching the ground. The pure happiness of seeing his best friend was quickly dampened, though, by a realization as chilling as the rain pouring down outside his apartment windows- Kaneki didn’t know him.

Hide glanced down at the gray jacket Kaneki wore, a bitter taste on his tongue. The CCG. It was so… wrong. It was all so wrong. For the first time in years, Hide felt tears prick the back of his eyes.

“Kaneki,” He croaked out, “Where the hell were you?” Hands shaking once again, Hide allowed his arms to encircle Kaneki, his suppressed sobs making his whole body shudder.

_This world is so cruel._

Overwhelmed by the emotion, Hide buried his face in the top of Kaneki’s hair, pulling him half into his lap as he finally let his tears go, big fat trails of salt water run down his hollow cheeks. Kaneki’s hair was so soft, so silky, and smelled like…. _Blood?_

His head injury. Steeling himself, Hide released Kaneki, placing his head down gently on the mat, before standing up. He would have to wait for answers, he thought, squaring his shoulders. He finally had a purpose again. It was an incredible feeling.

_For now I just have to take care of my best friend._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> told ya it was short. don't murder me plz. but look on the brightside- it means another update coming soon!
> 
> * a genkan is a traditional japanese entryway, which has a sunken area to put your shoes before stepping up into the main part of the house. Understandably, Hide ain't feeling like dragging Kaneki's ass up yet more steps
> 
> please feel free to comment below! i have discovered i am a sucker for attention (no shit sherlock) so it really motivates me to write more!


	10. Lost Judgement

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Haise could see through the tiny window above the sink that it was dark, and the rain was still falling. Tiny water droplets beaded and scrambled down the dusty panes, glowing amber from the streetlights on the road below. 
> 
> A small shuffling sound caught his attention, and Haise looked toward a darkened corner of the room, only to see… a person?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yep, definitely dying to put up two chapters within 3 days. this one's a bit longer though

_The last thing he saw was the flash of warm brown eyes, smiling at him brighter than he’d ever seen him smile before. Numbly, Haise tightened his arms around his friend, the knees of his suit soaked with the blood of his best friend._

_“Kaneki….” Haise jolted too slightly at a bloodied hand reaching up from the floor, grasping his shoulder in an iron grip. Haise swallowed down the lump in his throat._

_“Let’s go home…” the hand trembled slightly, before losing all grip and sliding down Kaneki’s arm, falling with a limp splash into the crimson pool. “Let’s go home.”_

 

_“Hide.”_

 

Haise gasped and startled upright, his hands reaching into open air and eyes wild. The relief washed over him in cold waves as he realized he was staring at a blank white wall, not a sea of red. The fear still hadn’t quite left him, though. His hands still trembled and his vision couldn’t quite focus. Letting out a long breath, Haise lay back on the soft… futon? Frowning, Haise looked around, only to realize he was lying on a futon in an unknown person’s apartment.

 

_Well, this is a bit awkward. Where am I?_

Haise made an attempt to rise again but this time he was made aware of a sharp pain in the back of his head. Wincing, he brought his hand to the injury, only to feel the coarse bandage material wrapped around his head. Wracking his brain, Haise thought back, trying to remember how he ended up in this situation. Then it hit him hard. The boy in Big Girl, the rain, the truck… following the boy back to his apartment.

 

Haise furrowed his brows at the memory of collapsing at the bottom of the apartment stairs.

 

_Did he carry me all the way up here?_

 

Haise felt a sense of gratefulness wash over him for the stranger’s kindness.

 

“ _Let’s go home.”_

Shivering slightly, Haise once again clutched at his head, grumping to himself about the pain while at the same time worrying about what it meant. Normally wounds like this one could heal within about an hour or so, but it had certainly been longer than that. Speaking of which, what time was it? Digging around in his pockets, Haise finally located his phone and flipped open the screen. He almost dropped the phone in shock. 6 missed calls and 4 new messages, all from Akira and his Quinx squad mates. He looked at the time in the top corner. 7:30pm.

“Shit.” Haise debated on who to call, before finally deciding on Saiko, the least likely to freak out and also the only one who probably wouldn’t care too much if he was lying. The phone only rang once before getting picked up.

 

“WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU!” Maybe she wasn’t the best choice after all. Too late.

 

“Uhmmm h-hi Saiko, how are you?”

 

“STOP SHITTING ME! YOU WERE MISSING FOR NEARLY 6 HOURS!”

 

“Yes, I am aware. It was… um…”

 

“IT WAS WHAT?” Haise paused for a minute, gathering his thoughts. He couldn’t afford to look out of sorts. He had to be the Haise they all knew.

 

“I was looking for a new restaurant to try at lunch and I got lost, so ummm… I asked someone for directions but I think they sent me the wrong way and… well. Anyway, I’m in a hotel now so it’s good.”

 

“…you got lost.”

 

“Yes?”

 

“And you’ve decided to stay in some random hotel.”

 

“…”

 

“…One minute.”

 

There was a long sigh on the other end of the line. And a banging noise that sounding suspiciously like a head hitting a wall. Saiko returned to the phone.

 

“Whatever, I give up. Don’t be late tomorrow. I going back to gaming so _don’t_ bother me.” 

And then she hung up. Haise winced. Well, that could have gone better. At least he was right about one thing, though. Saiko asked the least questions out of everyone, and bought his lies the easiest, mostly out of laziness. Honestly he was still It wouldn’t be the last time he’d done something like this though. Haise observed very strange sleeping habits, from sleeping on the floor of the kitchen to climbing up to the roof of the CCG headquarters and dozing in the breeze. The increased volume of nightmares had only furthered this strange behavior. And it was common knowledge to those that knew him that he preferred to sleep alone, to the point of sleeping with others being a phobia. If he needed a night to isolate himself, his subordinates would likely respect it (perhaps with the exception of Cookie). Akira was a different story. Haise would likely need to figure out a different way of handling her.

 

After having taken care of that chore, Haise decided to explore his surroundings a bit. He couldn’t hear the boy anywhere, just a faint hissing sound. Locating the source, His eyes fell on the pot of boiling water on the stove of a small kitchenette lined up against one wall. So someone had been here. Haise could see through the tiny window above the sink that it was dark, and the rain was still falling. Tiny water droplets beaded and scrambled down the dusty panes, glowing amber from the streetlights on the road below.

 

A small shuffling sound caught his attention, and Haise looked toward a darkened corner of the room, only to see… a person? It shifted.

 

Haise let out a small, unmanly squeak he would viscously deny if anyone could hear it. He was the leader of the Quinx Squad, damnit! He didn’t get scared like that. Peering closer, Haise realized it was the boy who had saved his life, just as he had expected. He was fast asleep, long legs stretched out in front of him and head leaning against the wall. A bit of drool was coming out of his mouth, and as Haise was watching his breath began to make soft stutters (snores?) as he shifted his head, trying to find a comfortable spot again. Haise found himself staring into his face as he slept.

 

Everything about this was so nostalgic. It made his head injury throb and his heart ache. Haise gulped. Just like… that dream. He jolted, sitting upright as he realized he looked like… him.

_“Let’s go home”_

 

Hide clutched his head again, breath coming out in harsh pants. Everything was spinning, and if this kept up… _he_ would appear. The other one, who called himself Kaneki. Haise doubled over and let out a whimper, dimly registering that the boy was no longer in the corner but by his side, supporting him gently with his arms as he trembled.

 

“H-hey… it’s okay. Come back to me. You’re okay.” Then something remarkable happened. Haise felt Kaneki go quiet. Usually whenever _he_ tried to expel his resident monster, it was an epic battle of willpower. But here he was, silent, still, and present, not struggling one bit. Seized by an urge that Haise wasn’t sure was his or Kaneki’s, he lifted his head and looked into the boy’s eyes.

 

_Hide?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please tell me whatcha think! i look forward to receiving all ideas and opinions on my story ^-^


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